Stress and Decisions

I'm two months over due for my 6 month check up. At first it was a miscalculation. My life has become... complicated. Now that I know that I am over due, I still have not made an appointment. 


I have good reason. I don't like my doctor. The alternative in this small town is even worse, that guy is... well, not suited to my personality.  With my doctor, he does all the tests, then sends me 2 hours away to the Mayo Clinic to have them redo all the tests he just did. It is traumatic, time consuming, and exhausting. 


I'm also a little scared.  My life is exceedingly stressful. Just two minutes ago, I accidentally posted a private message on this blog that was a good indicator of where my stress is coming from. Luckily I deleted it in time, because it isn's something I can really share with the world.  


Today I noticed a patch of skin that peeled off at my scalp. It is pink and burns. I've had irregular periods for the last two months. This is a sure sign of stress... but considering my health history, it could be sign of something more. I am fairly certain that it is all stress related... but what if it isn't. It is a viscous cycle that I know going to the doctor will sort out. 


I just can't do it. I deal with with the added stress of waiting for test results, procedures, and the god awful conversation that I'm sure I'll have to have with my doctor.  I wish I could tell him to be silent and just not say a word. It would make things easier. 


Most of the time I'm pretty positive, but this week has been a struggle... being Monday, i hope that it isn't a harbinger of more trials to come. 


I keep telling myself, maybe next week.


I really need to receive some massage. 

Imagine my surprise...

A lot has happened in the last couple of years. I am thankfully cancer free as of this moment and fully enjoying my massage career.

I decided to take some steps to find out whether the steps I was taking to further my business were working. I decided to use google analytics to see where traffic was coming from for my website. Imagine my surprise when I found quite a bit of traffic coming from this blog!

I have neglected this blog horribly. I gave myself plenty of reasons. I have other blogs, I have more clients, I don't work in hospice, I don't have cancer anymore.

What I do still have is a fear of death.

I know that the increase in stress in my life has amped my reaction to little things. Thinking about my parents, or the wrinkles around my eyes, or the fact that I don't have children only feeds the fire.

My experiences with hospice have given me the language to understand and explain the process. Close friends find it easy to talk to me about their dying family members, and my family shares openly their feelings about what they want after they are gone.

Yet, there is this terror inside that is at its core, primal. We live in an age of reason, and we can use all the logic we have to explain it away, but it can not take away this instinct.

Through my journey of late I've come to terms with some aspects of my personal faith, but that doesn't quell the uneasy feelings I have either.  It provides no answer to the unanswerable, and I don't think that it supposed to.

On the days that I have a good handle on this, I revel in the mysterious nature of our world. I feel that some questions are not meant to be answered. In fact, I think that the answer is really within us, but we are not able to translate it into our limited language of culture and society.  It just is, and we should accept that.

On the other days I busy myself with the daily tasks of being, healing, and moving forward.

Moving forward with my career as a massage therapist has been more than I could have ever hoped for. I hope that if you have found this blog you will not be dismayed by my current lack of posts. I have a feeling I will be back when the moment is right.  The archives are full of stories dealing with death, massage, and care-giving, please read them and share your thoughts on them.  If you are a massage therapist looking for information or advice, I am more than willing to share information. My business site is listed to the side, and I have a massage therapy blog as well.

Yuck

I don't know how many ways I can describe the awfulness of an endo-cervical cutterage without scaring readers away. It hurts. They don't give you pain killers until after. And it makes me cry from the pit of my soul.

I was under the impression that I would have a brief exam by the Gyno and then consult with the surgeon afterward. Luckily for me my doc here at home did not send the slides from my last exam, I got to have everything redone by the docs at the Mayo in Rochester. Pap, Colposcopy, and ECC... all while be observed by the hottest doctor I have ever seen.

This Gyno was good. She obviously wasn't going to be taking any risks, or wasting my time with multiple appointments. I have much more confidence in her, than my home doc. Her Eastern European accent was easy enough to understand for the most part, and I really think that she has a good head on her shoulders. It just seemed with me, she was a little distracted.

By the time she had arrived in the exam room, I had been waiting for at least a half hour with no pants on. I had to sneak out at one point with a sheet wrapped around me looking for a bathroom, and when I got back, there was still no sign of her. When she did arrive she was with a tall man in a suit and a name tag. She introduced herself and then him as Dr. Whatisname and then continued with the exam. I looked at his name tag and it said he was a maxiofacial doctor, which I understand to be an oral surgeon.

I understand that Mayo is a teaching hospital, but I didn't understand why the guy that does root canals was observing my baby canal. I also couldn't help but notice he was one of the most attractive men I've ever seen in person. Did it help with the exam, not really. Considering the Gyno was talking to him the whole time, and having him 'take a look for himself' the torturous exam took twice as long as normal. He was respectful and all that, and was lucky I guess to observe an 'unsatifactory coloposcopy', but give a girl a break here.

So, as for cancer again, I don't know, but it's not looking too great. Waiting back for word from their results. There was a missed call on my phone today from a number from Rochester, but no message. Hard to say what that means.

Here's hopin.

Next Step

I have my next appointment set up for April 6th. I am both nervous and non committal. There is only the appointments to see an OB/GYN for more poking and prodding and then the consulting with the surgeon.

I've come to understand that I'm supposed to feel used to this by now. In many ways I do. This is just another step in the process. I have done this step several times. I'm mostly expecting to not find out any information at all. Just more 'we don't know'.

I try not to get mad at the medical community. The impression that doctors know more than they do is the fault of the patient as much as the rules of society. I'm consulting them for their opinion. In the end it is always my choice towards the action.

I discussed with my parents that if they have nothing definitive to give me, I'm not going to undergo any surgery. That decision has given me some peace.

Waiting

Waiting seems to be a theme in my life right now. Maybe I should embrace this as my opportunity for enlightenment on the subject. Tracked the doctor down after his vacation and he's passing the towel over to the 'expert' at the Mayo Clinic. I have to wait to get into to see her, though. So I'm not sure when it will be that I'll get more information.

I'm going to concentrate on being in perfect health.

Vacation

The problem with doctoring in the winter in the north is that it is so freaking cold that everyone leaves in February. It is nearly impossible to get anything done quickly in February if it involves someone going on vacation.

One month later, I have finally the results from the last procedure (after my doc returned from vacation)... and they are indicative of more waiting. Good news: No sign of cancer. Annoying News: Have to travel to see specialist to determine next step since everything is not hunky dory. Even more annoying news: Have to wait for local doc to contact specialist doc and wait for the Mayo Clinic to contact me about an appointment. So, you know. That will be weeks from now.

Good thing I'm not dying. ;)

Naming this Blog

I'm having trouble with this blog as of late. I started it talking about working with Hospice because it was such a profound experience. Now it seems to be a place to talk about my horrible doctor visits and being treated for Cancer that I may or may not have.

I decided several months ago that I couldn't hold it in anymore, because it was eating me alive. I had only told a few friends, and hadn't even told my best friends that it had possibly come back. My parents, sisters, and boyfriend were the only ones that knew anything about it. So I spilled my guts, and I feel better.

I don't want to talk about it so much any more. I mean, I will definitely keep people updated, but I certainly don't want to feed the ghouls so to speak. So what do I talk about then? The people that I massage? Professionalism and HIPPA prevent me from doing that. Things that are unimportant, like the hundreds of fake band names I come up with? People seem to like my writing, from what I gather (which is sometimes difficult to do).

So, I'm just going to say what I want. Right? Yes. Right. I'm in charge here. ;)

Speaking of Updates:
I have not heard word one from Doc. It's been nearly 3 weeks. What does this mean?
According to my sister, who is a newspaper reporter, my Doc is at a conference this week. I don't know how she knows this, but small towns can be creepy sometimes.

Maybe I'll Rename this blog The Rub Down.