Lessons Learned

It's been almost a month since I've left the hospice program. 

I still scan the obituaries to see who has passed away, and whether or not I knew them. This last week one of my clients that I had been seeing for over six months finally passed away. I was surprised at first, but in the end I was glad that she is finally at rest.

A few weeks before I left, I had a new client who was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer. We bonded right away and I was able to give her her first massage ever. She was very excited about it and couldn't wait to brag to her daughters about her massages. I've heard through the rumor mill that she really misses me and the massages I gave her.  It was when I heard that she missed me that I had the first pang of loss about leaving my clients. I wanted to say, I'll see her anyway! I'll go over there on my own! But I can't do that. With all the laws and ethics and liability I can't just go over and give this woman what she needs... though in doing it, it would be giving me somthing that I need, too.  

I went into the job hoping to squash my fear of death and the unknown. That didn't happen exactly.  I learned to face towards death and not close my eyes, but the fear is still there. I learned more about love and families than I ever thought I would. I learned to tell people how you feel and to let go of material things because they aren't worth fight over in the end. I learned about the letting go, but I haven't learned how to achieve it yet, and there is still fear.

 I believe this is still progress and I hope that it will help me in my next challenge-- deal with the death of my grandmother who collapsed today and left the hospital with a prognosis of three weeks to live.