More waiting...

I have mentioned a couple times in this blog that my mother has always advised against getting too attached to your plans. I am reminded of this advice on a constant basis lately.

In September, I underwent surgery to remove pieces of myself. Pieces of my physical body and my spiritual self. I tried to explain to my sister what it was like. The 'procedures' leading up to the surgery were worse than the surgery itself. I was awake for the procedures as they prodded around inside my cervix. My sister has two children, so I hoped that she would understand the profound connection that woman have to their reproductive abilities. My entire biological imperative; my purpose as a woman was being violated. I could feel pieces of my identity being pulled away from me bit by bit. I felt it in my very core, as if I was removing part of my soul.

I know intellectually that it had to be done. My life and my future chance at fulfilling my purpose depended on it. After the surgery, and the confidence of the surgeon left me feeling relieved. I had done the right thing for myself, my future, and I only need to take care of my health. Report for 3 month check ups for 2 years and avoid alcohol, cigarettes, and stress.

I had my first 3 month check up in December. My doctor called after the beginning of the year. I had resolved to let 2008 cast a pallor on my future. It had been a tough year, but I'm made of sterner stuff than that. Plus I had a new year in town, and it showed the shiny new gleam of promise. That gleam was tarnished after talking to my doctor about the pap results. Not only was there more dysplasia, it was severe... after less than 3 months. The doctor, surgeon, and I are still stunned.

I remind myself that this is what 3 month check ups are for. That this isn't as yet, a life or death situation. I am still crushed. I thought I it was over. I didn't know if my soul could handle another LEEP procedure. The electrified scalpel, the numbing injections, the florescent lights in my eyes, and that god awful green paint on the walls. Once again, it was awful, but I survived it. Now I just wait. Wait to see if more cancer was found within. Wait to see if my purpose is put further at risk. Wait to see the ultimate boundaries of my strength.