Enormous Guilt

I heard a phrase last week and it all became clear. Compassion fatigue.

I had a fantastic experience visiting Chicago taking a class on improving my clinical outcome with head and neck pain. It was fun, educational, and it reminded me how much I love practicing massage therapy. I like working with people and making their lives a little better. I like seeing the improvement in their range of motion and out look on their day.

In order attend this class, I had to take two days off of work. When I returned one of my clients had passed away. I was crushed. I felt enormously guilty for not being able to see him one more time before he passed. I took a deep breath and let the guilt pass and then turned in my resignation.

It seems I'm not able to seperate this emotions from this job from affecting my life outside of the job. There are enough things that make us feel bad and decided four years ago when I began this career path that I was never going to feel bad about going to work again. I am not the right person for this job, and for this I am sad, but not devastated as I thought I would be.

I have learned a tremendous amount about the value of positive touch and the dying process. I will never regret taking this job, but I do not believe I will regret leaving it either. I do not ever want to have my passion become a burden, the minute it does, I will have to stop doing it because I am of no value to my clients if I do not love what I am doing.

I am hopeful that the therapist that replaces me will have this passion and bring what is needed to this position. I am excited about the chance I know have to dedicate more time to my private practice. To be reinvigorated by my recent educational travels and channel that energy and excitement to benefit my clients.

I think I may keep this blog going for a little while as I still have a month left of the job and I am sure with the stress of the job off, I will possibly come to some more conclusions about this experience.

I encourage all massage therapist with intrest in hospice massage to explore the possibilities in your area. It is definitely worth your time. A life lesson to say the least.