On the other side

It's been an interesting journey as of late. This switching of lanes from caregiver to bereaved.

I've understood for a long time the process of grieving and the steps it takes. The actions, emotions, and habits of the mourning process. It's been all very intellectual up until this point.

I cried for my grandma for the first time on 12/30/07, a month and a half after her death. As I let go, I realized that I was actually crying for all the people in my family that have passed in the last 2.5 years (I think we were up to 5).

Suddenly my understanding of the behavior of caregivers of hospice patients seemed so much clearer. I had not realized how much I was holding back, or how much I was relying on the problems of my clients to distract me from my own mourning.

I have heard people saying about others "She's just not been the same since so and so died" and never really knew what to think about it. I have a better understanding of it today. I realized that I have not been 'the same' since that first death in our family.

I feel that I am profoundly lucky to have had the experience of massage therapy and hospice work to guide me through this personally difficult time.

-sigh-