Diagnosis

It has been over a year since I've left hospice, but the affect on my life has not diminished.
*****

This summer I was diagnosed with cancer. I sat in silence and looked to my mother as the doctor said words that I knew I understood but did not make any sense. I could feel the oxygen burn in my nostrils as I inhaled. I felt the mental clicks of defense mechanisms. Stoic demeanor will surpass emotion. I stopped listening and nodded my head to make my exit that much sooner. There would be appointments. There would be MRI's, consultations, and discussions of risks and outcomes in the future, but at that moment I wanted to dissolve into oblivion.

*****

The experience of working with bodies both strong and frail have opened my eyes to miracle of life. As a species we are a grand experiment that seems on the verge of failing, yet pulls through at the very end. Our very fear of death has lead to a richness of life that can not compare to any other species, yet our lives are not complete without death. Is our fear the death itself, or the lack of knowing whether we'll be able to gloat to our friend that we did it! We got to the finish line with all goals accomplished.

I fear the darkness. I fear the silence. I fear the cold of the earth and loss of inner burning of my soul.