Walking in

As I was riding up to the North Woods, my sister turns and says to me, "So, how's it going with hospice? Is it hard?" I looked at her and thought amused "Don't you read my blog? It's all in there." but instead answered her questions as completely as I could. She seemed interested in the answers, but she kept shaking her head in wonderment. "It's just that of all of us... I never imagined you working for hospice." It's at this point I ask her why she hasn't been reading my blog...

She was right. I'm the last person anyone would have expected to be doing this out of the three of us. I have been afraid of nursing homes all my life. My mother had worked in them for as long as I could remember. She liked working in nursing homes with the residents. All I saw was smelly, crazies in wheelchairs who mumbled things at you when you walked by. I couldn't stand to walk into any of the places and always thought my mother a better, stronger person because she could.

That feeling hadn't changed when I joined the hospice team. I knew with hospice that I would spend a lot of time in the client's home, so I thought that I would be able to handle it. I didn't realize how much time I would be spending in nursing homes. My attitude towards the homes has changed since I was young. I no longer see them as awful places, but I still don't like going in.

I almost always drive slower when I'm on my way to the home, and almost always have the urge to call in sick as I walk up to the door. I keep telling myself why I am there as I open the door and make my way to the residents room. Once I am there, everything is fine. I'm not scared of the "old people" so much anymore.

This job isn't easy for me. Every part of it is a challenge. Overcoming fears and misconceptions and honing my massage skills, not to mention dealing with exacting medical standards of the hospital. This is one of those jobs I know is good for me, and I already know that I'm a better massage therapist because of it.

I hope one day the job will become easier, but I'm not holding out any hope for me getting over that initial walking into a nursing home.