Beyond your wall of misgivings

I have found a release working with the dying. A release from my own strictures.

Meeting people is never easy. There are so many expectations and interpretations that are made. "What did he mean by that?" "So, does this mean she really likes that kind of music?" First meetings are guarded and veiled. Walls of doubt and misgiving need to be scaled. Most of the time our true selves don't come out until much later. I call this time of meeting people "The Assessment". Observations need to be made and calculated against risk factors. This can be done in a matter of seconds or maybe days... or for some people months. Weeks and weeks of trying to impress one another or leaving subtle clues of innuendo to who you really are in hopes that they pick up on it and translate your message. Your message of "I want to be your friend" or "Don't talk to me anymore".

The difference with my clients is two fold. I'm not there specifically to get to know them or be their friend. That is something that is a side effect of what I do, but it takes the pressure off. I don't need to worry about if they like me or not. The second is, they don't have that kind of time. If I want to interact with them on any kind of meaningful level, the walls have to come down. The ritual must be bypassed and being straight forward is the easiest way.

In recent months I have found it easier to get to the heart of the matter. I used to candy coat things and hope that I could avoid situations that are uncomfortable. I still hope I can avoid them, but if I can't it's been much easier to say what is on my mind.

There are still boundaries. Every new client is not my new best friend and I keep as much private information to myself as possible. My work with them is about their needs not mine and that's kind of a relief as well.

Taking this outside of work I feel that I waste a lot of time hiding myself from people that I want to know better. I read in the paper today that Stevie Wonder received a Lifetime Achievement Award from the National Civil Rights Museum and in part of his acceptance speech he said this "...Tomorrow is never promised to any of us. You must be the best you can be right now." I think that includes dispensing with pretense and falsity as well. A friend of mine will often say "Say what you mean, and mean what you say". This is key to presenting yourself honestly and truly.

How would things changed if we didn't feel that tomorrow was promised to us and we said what we meant?

How would we treat others, or present ourselves to others if we honestly considered that they might not be here tomorrow or next week.

I hope it would be with honesty, respect and integrity.