Stress and Decisions

I'm two months over due for my 6 month check up. At first it was a miscalculation. My life has become... complicated. Now that I know that I am over due, I still have not made an appointment. 


I have good reason. I don't like my doctor. The alternative in this small town is even worse, that guy is... well, not suited to my personality.  With my doctor, he does all the tests, then sends me 2 hours away to the Mayo Clinic to have them redo all the tests he just did. It is traumatic, time consuming, and exhausting. 


I'm also a little scared.  My life is exceedingly stressful. Just two minutes ago, I accidentally posted a private message on this blog that was a good indicator of where my stress is coming from. Luckily I deleted it in time, because it isn's something I can really share with the world.  


Today I noticed a patch of skin that peeled off at my scalp. It is pink and burns. I've had irregular periods for the last two months. This is a sure sign of stress... but considering my health history, it could be sign of something more. I am fairly certain that it is all stress related... but what if it isn't. It is a viscous cycle that I know going to the doctor will sort out. 


I just can't do it. I deal with with the added stress of waiting for test results, procedures, and the god awful conversation that I'm sure I'll have to have with my doctor.  I wish I could tell him to be silent and just not say a word. It would make things easier. 


Most of the time I'm pretty positive, but this week has been a struggle... being Monday, i hope that it isn't a harbinger of more trials to come. 


I keep telling myself, maybe next week.


I really need to receive some massage. 

Imagine my surprise...

A lot has happened in the last couple of years. I am thankfully cancer free as of this moment and fully enjoying my massage career.

I decided to take some steps to find out whether the steps I was taking to further my business were working. I decided to use google analytics to see where traffic was coming from for my website. Imagine my surprise when I found quite a bit of traffic coming from this blog!

I have neglected this blog horribly. I gave myself plenty of reasons. I have other blogs, I have more clients, I don't work in hospice, I don't have cancer anymore.

What I do still have is a fear of death.

I know that the increase in stress in my life has amped my reaction to little things. Thinking about my parents, or the wrinkles around my eyes, or the fact that I don't have children only feeds the fire.

My experiences with hospice have given me the language to understand and explain the process. Close friends find it easy to talk to me about their dying family members, and my family shares openly their feelings about what they want after they are gone.

Yet, there is this terror inside that is at its core, primal. We live in an age of reason, and we can use all the logic we have to explain it away, but it can not take away this instinct.

Through my journey of late I've come to terms with some aspects of my personal faith, but that doesn't quell the uneasy feelings I have either.  It provides no answer to the unanswerable, and I don't think that it supposed to.

On the days that I have a good handle on this, I revel in the mysterious nature of our world. I feel that some questions are not meant to be answered. In fact, I think that the answer is really within us, but we are not able to translate it into our limited language of culture and society.  It just is, and we should accept that.

On the other days I busy myself with the daily tasks of being, healing, and moving forward.

Moving forward with my career as a massage therapist has been more than I could have ever hoped for. I hope that if you have found this blog you will not be dismayed by my current lack of posts. I have a feeling I will be back when the moment is right.  The archives are full of stories dealing with death, massage, and care-giving, please read them and share your thoughts on them.  If you are a massage therapist looking for information or advice, I am more than willing to share information. My business site is listed to the side, and I have a massage therapy blog as well.