As in life you never quite know what the next day will bring. For the last several months I have been working with the same few clients with out much change in their status (rate of decline) or in my massage plans. This week there were five new clients to be added to my list of visits. I didn't get to see all of them because some didn't make it until my scheduled visit, but it added a sense of choas and urgancy to my day that I found I had kind of missed. Things had been starting to feel a little ho-hum lately, and this boost in activity was welcome. (It coinsided with a successful marketing plan in my private practice that have left my arms a little sore and about ready to fall off!)
There is a certain excitement to new clients with illnesses that are fast moving. I only work two days a week, so sometimes I don't get to meet the clients, but when I do there is an feeling of action about the first visit. I wonder what I can do for the person and how much time they have left. Will I have enough time to make an impression on them and their family? Will I be able to ease their pain or suffering?
*****
As much as I would like to look at myself as a completely alutristic human being, I do have elements of pride that surface even in this profession. I work very hard to make the visit about the patient... but I'm proud of that fact too. One of the things that I've learned about myself after working hospice is that those all to human traits such as pride, anger, resentment, apathy are still present when your job is 'for the greater good'.
I don't think that is wrong, because we are human, after all. The skill comes in managing those reactions and emotions and choosing the right time and place to express them. Many people say to me (and my mother, a hospice nurse), "What you do is so great." which I usually translate to "I don't know if I could ever do that, thank you for doing it so I don't have to". There is a lot of beauty in working with people who are dying, but you see a lot of ugliness as well. Family squabbling, emotional distress, side affects of drugs or tumors... it's not pretty. Though it is easier to face other people's problems than your own. We leave these families and go back to our own with a new appreciation for what we have. The time we have on this Earth, the relationships that we've built and the love that we share.
*****
So, going into a new clients home and seeing the potential for influence on the last moments of their lives is exhilerating. If a family memeber sees me calm down their mother who's been agitated all day, I feel like I've earned my education. In truth it is mostly pride, and I try to keep it in check, but damn it feels great to be good at what I do.
The Brighter Side.....of.....this.
4 years ago
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