Knocking On Unknown Doors

With each new client there is a new world upon which I enter. I start each visit with an address, phone number, name, and diagnosis. Each new client is a challenge, an unknown that I must face as I walk up to unfamiliar doors. Questions race through my mind as I wonder who will be waiting for me. Should I knock or walk in? Should I say the word 'dying'? Should I leave my shoes at the door? Will this be a well kept home? Will this be a 'dysfunctional' family?

Behind my uniform and name badge is someone who feels she doesn't quite know what she's doing. "All I do is rub their feet" I say. "How hard is that?" I remind myself that half the challenge, is the attempt at doing it. The willingness to go into a home filled with grief and attempt to do something that is frightening to most everyone. Massage with hospice patients is not difficult in terms of technique. It is the simplest form of massage. Much of what is difficult is the intent behind the motion. The putting your fears aside to alleviate the fears of others. To look family in the eye and say "If C is with us next week, I will be back" and not feel embarrassed about pointing out that I might not be back. To touch someone who is dying. To give to them what their family possibly cannot.

I do this each week with trepidation. I wonder will this be the last week I can face this, and by the end I say "No, it will not". I started this to challenge myself and beliefs and I'm not finished yet.

*****

The trepidation on the job is matched by a over-assurance off the job. When I am around others not involved in hospice, I feel like I am the keeper of sacred knowledge. My ego is kept in check with every hospice visit that follows and by my mother. My mother is sweet and unassuming in nature. She has been working with the elderly either in nursing homes or hospice for 35 years. My experience with this is nothing in comparison. I imagine that the novelty of newly acquired knowledge will temper itself and then I will see this all with less fear and cockiness and hopefully a higher level of understanding about life.